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HOW TO QUIT SMOKING WEED

1. Put your baggie into another freezer baggie just to be safe.

2. Fill a container with water.

3.  Put the baggies into the container, seal the lid, and freeze.

This method eliminates battling your impulses.  To get that weed you must make a deliberate decision and sit pretty with that decision for half an hour or so.  Having it in the house, still easily accessible, eliminates thoughts about where and how to get more, [Let’s be honest.  These are the things that people, who need a special method to quit smoking weed, think about when they don’t have any.  I think that should make me feel dirty or guilty.  I’ve got nothing.] which are involuntary thoughts that turn into active thoughts that often turn into big temptation.

I do not recommend involving other people.  “Cut me off” or “Chastize me when you catch me” are bad methods for 2 reasons.  1. It’s unfair to the other person.  You are not their responsibility.  It puts them in an awkward position and potentially strains relationships.  2.  It’s unfair to you.  You learn nothing about self-control and you become reliant on others.

Bonus advice:  If you have roommates, who are willing to go through the trouble of thawing out your frozen weed for their enjoyment, then it is time to move out.  Seriously.  You shouldn’t subject your person and your possessions to such people.  Have some respect for yourself, brah.

HOW TO REJECT A BLIND DATE AND SPARE HIS FEELINGS

Tell him that he looks like your dad, mother, cousin, etc., make a silly face, and shrug.

HOW TO ASH YOUR PIPE

Unfold the outer arm of a paper clip.  Instant combination scoop and pokey thing.

HOW TO BE A FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE POTHEAD

Buy in bulk to save money.

Ration out weekly allowances and bag.

Label and freeze.

I have more in common with your mom than you think.

HOW TO CONFIDENTLY DOM FOR THE FIRST TIME

Best advice I can give:  Blindfold your sub.  You’ll feel exponentially less pressure and it fits seamlessly with the scene.

The best follow-up advice I can give:  Tickling, spanking, etc. feels more intense when blindfolded so start off slowly.  Test everything on yourself before you use it on another person.

HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF TO EXERCISE

Motivation is difficult.  It takes a lot of work.  People who have motivation issues don’t want to work hard to motivate themselves.  That’s why you need to trick yourself, instead of wasting your time trying to figure out how motivate yourself.  So the above title is a lie.

We are all about self-actualization via “the process” here at The Antithesis of White Noise, but we are also practical people. Sometimes you have to do things the quick and dirty way.

HOW TO EXERCISE WHEN YOU SUCK AT MOTIVATION

Put on weather-appropriate attire.

Smoke some weed.

Leave the house.

DON’T FORGET YOUR KEYS.

Start walking.

You will walk >5 miles before you start to sober up and realize you’re meandering aimlessly around town.  You will then be forced to double your efforts to get home.  Bam.  Exercise.

I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I’m really good at advice.

For the first installment of my totally amazing tips series, I will tackle a problem that many a young person faces.

We’re all intelligent, well-meaning folk over here at The Antithesis of White Noise, right?  Yet, sometimes there’s a situation or a period of time where we just can’t trust our better judgments to overrule the urges of our young, dumb libidos.

Fear not, for I have outlined a very simple technique to outsmart your hard-on!

HOW TO PREVENT YOUR CROTCH FROM MAKING DECISIONS FOR YOU

If you don’t have any pubic hair, grow it out.

Take your scissors, razor, wax, whatever, and give yourself the ugliest pubic hair-do you can muster. I’m talking some real crazy shit.

Ta da!  No matter how hard your crotch throbs, you will go out of your way not to depants.

Alternative technique: use permanent marker to give yourself a large, fucked up pubic tattoo.

** NOTE:  This maneuver is not recommended for TAOWN readers who get black out drunk, in which case, your efforts could backfire.