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HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF TO EXERCISE

Motivation is difficult.  It takes a lot of work.  People who have motivation issues don’t want to work hard to motivate themselves.  That’s why you need to trick yourself, instead of wasting your time trying to figure out how motivate yourself.  So the above title is a lie.

We are all about self-actualization via “the process” here at The Antithesis of White Noise, but we are also practical people. Sometimes you have to do things the quick and dirty way.

HOW TO EXERCISE WHEN YOU SUCK AT MOTIVATION

Put on weather-appropriate attire.

Smoke some weed.

Leave the house.

DON’T FORGET YOUR KEYS.

Start walking.

You will walk >5 miles before you start to sober up and realize you’re meandering aimlessly around town.  You will then be forced to double your efforts to get home.  Bam.  Exercise.

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I’m not sure how many of you know this, but I’m really good at advice.

For the first installment of my totally amazing tips series, I will tackle a problem that many a young person faces.

We’re all intelligent, well-meaning folk over here at The Antithesis of White Noise, right?  Yet, sometimes there’s a situation or a period of time where we just can’t trust our better judgments to overrule the urges of our young, dumb libidos.

Fear not, for I have outlined a very simple technique to outsmart your hard-on!

HOW TO PREVENT YOUR CROTCH FROM MAKING DECISIONS FOR YOU

If you don’t have any pubic hair, grow it out.

Take your scissors, razor, wax, whatever, and give yourself the ugliest pubic hair-do you can muster. I’m talking some real crazy shit.

Ta da!  No matter how hard your crotch throbs, you will go out of your way not to depants.

Alternative technique: use permanent marker to give yourself a large, fucked up pubic tattoo.

** NOTE:  This maneuver is not recommended for TAOWN readers who get black out drunk, in which case, your efforts could backfire.