HOW TO QUIT SMOKING WEED

1. Put your baggie into another freezer baggie just to be safe.

2. Fill a container with water.

3.  Put the baggies into the container, seal the lid, and freeze.

This method eliminates battling your impulses.  To get that weed you must make a deliberate decision and sit pretty with that decision for half an hour or so.  Having it in the house, still easily accessible, eliminates thoughts about where and how to get more, [Let’s be honest.  These are the things that people, who need a special method to quit smoking weed, think about when they don’t have any.  I think that should make me feel dirty or guilty.  I’ve got nothing.] which are involuntary thoughts that turn into active thoughts that often turn into big temptation.

I do not recommend involving other people.  “Cut me off” or “Chastize me when you catch me” are bad methods for 2 reasons.  1. It’s unfair to the other person.  You are not their responsibility.  It puts them in an awkward position and potentially strains relationships.  2.  It’s unfair to you.  You learn nothing about self-control and you become reliant on others.

Bonus advice:  If you have roommates, who are willing to go through the trouble of thawing out your frozen weed for their enjoyment, then it is time to move out.  Seriously.  You shouldn’t subject your person and your possessions to such people.  Have some respect for yourself, brah.

HOW TO REJECT A BLIND DATE AND SPARE HIS FEELINGS

Tell him that he looks like your dad, mother, cousin, etc., make a silly face, and shrug.

HOW TO ASH YOUR PIPE

Unfold the outer arm of a paper clip.  Instant combination scoop and pokey thing.

Wanna see my favorite Guys with iPhones pic?

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HOW TO BE A FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE POTHEAD

Buy in bulk to save money.

Ration out weekly allowances and bag.

Label and freeze.

I have more in common with your mom than you think.

HOW TO CONFIDENTLY DOM FOR THE FIRST TIME

Best advice I can give:  Blindfold your sub.  You’ll feel exponentially less pressure and it fits seamlessly with the scene.

The best follow-up advice I can give:  Tickling, spanking, etc. feels more intense when blindfolded so start off slowly.  Test everything on yourself before you use it on another person.

“Once they’d had a taste of the sea, it was hard for them to ever really adapt to ordinary life.”

“But what’s so different about night babies?” I asked.

“Well, after a whole day of swimming in the night ocean, they had too many extra hours of dreaming.  They’d already got it into their heads that they weren’t going to be discovered–that they were going to be absolutely alone in the world left to sleep with the fish.”

“The octopuses reached out and put their arms around them.  That feeling of being wrapped up in 8 arms could never be duplicated.  And once they’d been rescued, when they were full grown these babies could never be satisfied by only two arms.  When you hug them they always wanted more so they were always lonely.  When they went out dancing they held their partners too tight and wept.”

Where Do Babies Come From and Where Do Babies Go?”  Heather O’Neill

I’m feeling optimistic about 2010.

HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF TO EXERCISE

Motivation is difficult.  It takes a lot of work.  People who have motivation issues don’t want to work hard to motivate themselves.  That’s why you need to trick yourself, instead of wasting your time trying to figure out how motivate yourself.  So the above title is a lie.

We are all about self-actualization via “the process” here at The Antithesis of White Noise, but we are also practical people. Sometimes you have to do things the quick and dirty way.

HOW TO EXERCISE WHEN YOU SUCK AT MOTIVATION

Put on weather-appropriate attire.

Smoke some weed.

Leave the house.

DON’T FORGET YOUR KEYS.

Start walking.

You will walk >5 miles before you start to sober up and realize you’re meandering aimlessly around town.  You will then be forced to double your efforts to get home.  Bam.  Exercise.